snatched from the jaws of marketing

Word reaches us that the Funny Women nominees were equipped with the specific instructions not to mention the sponsor, Nivea, or to use the word "cunt" in their acts. Delightful.

the cowardice of your convictions

Save us from comedy reviewers with amazing psychic powers. Exhibit A, a recent review of the otherwise critically acclaimed Pajama Men:

The duo are highly acclaimed and I sense that they are relying on people’s knowledge of their previous work to get them through the hour - which seems shockingly unfair to those who have not seen them before.

Several people seemed to be enjoying it much more than I - was this because they have had a gradual introduction to these characters in previous shows, or was their sense of humour so very much removed from my own?

Yes, why bother reviewing when you can pose unanswerable questions about the nature of audience response? Hey, I sense that someone is trying to justify their own personal dislike for the show.

This is, after all, a cowardly version of the methodology pioneered by Kate Copstick and others at The Scotsman in the late 90s. (e.g. "I was the only one in the audience not laughing.")

byeeeee

From the department of weak threats, two stories from The Herald.
Yesterday:

One of the main hubs of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, the Assembly Rooms, will cease to be a key venue after 2010, its promoter warned yesterday.

Bill Burdett Coutts blamed Edinburgh City Council for threatening his 30-year link to the historic property by going ahead with a £12m revamp. [...] Mr Burdett Coutts said: "If (the work) goes ahead, I won't be here. If they go ahead with it, I don't see the point in carrying on."

And today:

Assembly Rooms safe as Fringe venue, director pledges

The director of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe says he hopes that any redevelopment of The Assembly Rooms is done in such a way that it remains a major Fringe venue.

Translation: the venue will merely cease to be Bill's private playground, and we're just fine with that.

How unfortunate.

random number generator

Name the female stand-up who had seven reviewers in one evening, resulting in reviews ranging from 2 to 5 stars based on the same performance?

re: sexism

Congratulations to the winners of the Funny Women awards (who receive, along with recognition of their skills, a not-at-all patronising "exclusive" spa treatment from the sponsor NIVEA). The final - where the category champs compete for a £1,000 - takes place tonight at 11.30pm in the Pleasance Dome.

If that doesn't interest you, then there's the final of Chortle’s annual Student Comedy Award at the Pleasance Dome tomorrow night at 11pm (where there appear to be no women finalists at all). The prize for the Chortle Student Comedy Award - which also stands at £1,000 - does not include a spa treatment.

group hug?

The comedy circuit is often a tremendously homogenous (white, male) place, so any attempt to give the oxygen of publicity to talent which doesn't fit that description is probably a good thing. Hence, the Funny Women awards.

However, the size of the pool of women at the Fringe means that festbitch HQ finds itself playing a slightly awkward game this morning: how many female standups or sketch-acts at the Fringe can you name that haven't been nominated for a prize in that contest?

Hmm.

cock

Missed from the beginning of the Fringe, Kate Copstick explains why you shouldn't quote jokes in comedy reviews:

Added to which, quoting from a show sets an idea of the comic and the show in the reader's head. Supposing you were reviewing a Michelangelo exhibition and all you did was print a page of close-ups of penises. The guy was big on penises, people would conclude. If you go to see his work you will see penises. And this is true – David's has been a talking point for centuries. But it's not exactly what you'd call a review of Michelangelo exhibition, is it ?

We'd also suggest that the potential damage done by quoting a good joke from a show can be lessened by having a show with more than one good joke in it.

scoop

The attempt to turn Russell T Davies' absence from the Edinburgh International Television Festival into a news event doesn't quite work. The Scotsman pursues the line of "speculation that die-hard fans would pay £500 to see him."

It's rather a pity that the following paragraphs are then dedicated to revealing that uh.. no fans had bought tickets, and that.. um.. no-one in the fan community was even aware that the event was taking place.

nothing to see here

Writing snide comments about the Fringe box-office system is an activity fully covered by the mainstream press, so we'll only add that the attempt to buy tickets for anything on at the "Edinburgh Comedy Festival" now automatically navigates you away from the edfringe site, digitally coughing to cover the embarassment and assuring you that there's nothing to see here.

memories, made of this

Richard Herring does the noble thing, and provides the internet with a picture of Kate Copstick apparently having paint squirted onto her from the anus of a circus performer. Herring accurately describes the picture as "unusual."

hand of dog

Things we have learnt from the comics football match earlier this week: sketch comedians will pass the ball, while stand-ups have to be gently informed that they are not the only player on the pitch around whom the ball revolves.

auto-debt

It's been entertaining to read various articles about "what's wrong with the Fringe?" in The Scotsman, ThreeWeeks and various other outlets - not least because of the almost complete silence on one of the prime reasons so many people lose money: stupidly bad contracts.

It's an open secret (so open as to probably not actually qualify as secretive any more) that a number of comedy promotion agencies offer contracts which have a guaranteed loss built into them - in other words, everything goes as well as it possibly could (sell-out shows, glowing reviews) and you still lose £6K.

One funny story has a fledgling act returning from Edinburgh to London to be offered such a contract by a firm whose "genuine" interest in their success didn't stretch as far as actually finding out that.. they'd just been to the Fringe and done quite well out of it. As such, the promise to auto-generate debt and "take them all the way to Edinburgh" didn't really hit the spot.

Of course, you could blame the acts who sign those contracts in the first place, rather than the venal bastards who charge top-rate for "organising" your fringe run, add another 10% to the bill for themselves and then magically disappear for the month of August leaving you crying on the phone to your bank manager.

The notion that all of the above might be poisoning the communal well for everyone else is best kept to yourself.

slightly too honest

Declaring this year's programme to be the best ever, Julian Caddy of Sweet venues writes in Three Weeks:

HOW DO YOU PICK THE SHOWS IN YOUR PROGRAMME?

Turn out the lights, throw all the applications into the air and grab as many as we can in five minutes. The remainder we discard.

It's presumably tongue-in-cheek, but.. could it be true? No. Not at all.

Caddy has, however, missed out one vital step taken by every venue director: throw out any applictions from companies trying to plead for a special cheap deal on account of their unique circumstances, special talents, bad luck etc. etc.

yes, we have pedantry

The cheapest part of an advertising campaign can turn out to be the most expensive part if you don't hire someone who can proof-read. So far, this includes forgetting to include show-times, venues and the name of your adapated-from-the-screenplay unlicensed drama.

At the very least, remember that no-one is an "industrial staple" of anything, unless they are made from a sturdy tungsten blend. It's also quite awkward when that kind of clunky prose turns up in a collective ad campaign which should have been read by at least one promoter.

Still, nice clip-art.

clarity

A friend asks us to clarify that the page count in the Fringe programme is exactly as intended - and the content was certainly not stretched out at the last moment when the printers mentioned they thought they were printing something that was a different size, based on last year's edition.

It's also vital to note that such a story hasn't been pinging around email and Facebook for a month. 'Cos it just ain't true.

And that, too, is a denial.

am has ur talents?

SO.. things we like so far:

- the prospect of a giant silent disco in McEwan Hall, even if roaming flash-mobs are doing the same thing for free.

- real fire extinguishers filled with foam, rather than amusing springy snakes, giving us a slim chance of survival in thrillingly fire-exit free venues.

- the potential of summary artistic judgment via the medium of the internet trend known as LOLCATS:

Things that don't impressa-me-much:

- edfringe.com's attempt at terms and conditions which demand permission for every link to their site. It's pretty much the reverse of how the internets work, y'all. Here's hoping we don't break that rule. Oops. There we go again.

- incredibly expensive tickets for out-of-town-centre events. We love extravagant physical circus theatre funtime in custom venues, but £25 to visit a tent at Ocean Terminal? Not so much.

Still, we're sure we'll end up there because they have bus ads. Now that's International Festival style spending..

In other words, we're back. See you at the Fringe launch party?

Oh For Fucks Sake...

festbitch is "proud" to report the return of Lunch with the Hamiltons at this year's fringe. Helping (again) to drag the festival towards the cutting edge of medicority.

In other "unrelated" news, theatre has been murdered, dug up and forced to dance via a series of intrusive steel rods inserted into its orifices.

Lock and Load

festbitch thinks that it's nice to see the good people at edfringe.com aren't panicing over the impending festival. You can still search all of last year's listing for tickets by clicking here. A twix goes to the first reader who can get a ticket and then see a production that happened ten months ago.

aurora no more?

We made it through another winter, waking in time to hear that Aurora Nova has been taken over by the management of the Assembly Rooms.

Why not celebrate by making up a funny joke involving the words "aurora nova," "star bar" and "possibly the beginning of the end of adventurous dance and visual arts theatre programming"?

free is in tv

One of the hidden treasures of the Edinburgh International Television Festival is the programme of free open-air screenings - though judging by this morning's down-pour they may be rather damper than the organisers had planned.

Of particular note today is the showing of an episode Aaron "West Wing" Sorkin's new effort: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Expect to see moist but cam-corderific versions of said episode online by the end of the weekend..

Hammer Sandwich

The Evening News may have the bare bones of the story, but here are a few more ALLEGED details.

One of the Underbelly's bouncers - sorry, Customer Safety Advisors - ALLEGEDLY got incredibly drunk in Spank! on Thursday night and was thrown out. Not too happy about it, he ALLEGEDLY got a hammer from somewhere and started terrorising Bristo Square, ALLEGEDLY smashing up cars and threatening the Gilded Balloon staff to the point that they ALLEGEDLY had to lock themselves into their toilets. ALLEGEDLY he then attacked his pregnant girlfriend.

The UDDERbelly Customer Safety Advisors, meanwhile, ALLEGEDLY wouldn't do anything to halt their colleague's rampage, ALLEGEDLY because "he's our mate". That's why they've all been sacked. ALLEGEDLY.

what, no review?

As the Fringe claws to a close, a number of shows have become increasingly concerned that promised reviews have not emerged and will not not emerge - despite the critic having seen the show several weeks previously.

The worst culprit appears to be The Guardian, which has apparently developed the nasty habit of sending scouts to pre-review shows and pass notes to certain big-name critics on which performances they should grace with their presence. In contrast, The List seems to have published most of its reviews - even if most are only one or two sentences long and seemingly edited by someone with little understanding of, well, sentences.

Finally, festbitch is told of one local newspaper columnist who has been using his pass to freeload his way through the Fringe without the single obligation to write a review (we tip our hats) has enjoyed certain shows so much that he has been back two or three times - something that is apparently slightly aggravating when said shows are selling out and his publication has already printed a review. As festbitch knows all too well, moderation is the key to success..

playing nice

Could it be that certain ex-political showbiz couple are so sensitive to - let's call it the truth - that even a brief mention of brown envelopes filled with cash leads to the threat of legal action? If any of this is true, the lovely Tim FitzHigham has our sympathies.

it's all about the prizes

festbitch notes that it's very nearly the end of the festival season, and that we've yet to name the Best Worst Review. Here's a selection to set the tone - please nominate by email, in the comments or by accosting us in the street:

"This is not cutting-edge, it is derivative sketch-based comedy with a bit of rubbish nudity and rap music thrown in." Claire Smith of The Scotsman, on Charred and Dangerous.

"Death seemed a small price to pay to escape this miserable experience." DK of Three Weeks on Provocative Cinema.

"At first one wonders if the whole thing is actually a double bluff; the comedy of the show being in how truly terrible it is. Then you realise that there are no such levels to the performance and become angry for the loss of the hour of your life spent watching Jenny Lion." NC of Three Weeks on Jenny Lion: As seen on TV.

The Best Worst Review is awarded to the most dedicated critical savaging produced in the name of the arts review. Why not take a look at last year's entrants and the eventual winner?

Musical Muggery

Bill Bailey thinks Olé are shit. I'm sure they'll be devastated.

the hamiltons

first things first.

festbitch is a big believer in redemption; and no more perfect opportunity for a bunch of whining, self-important toff-baskets to redeem themselves in the eyes of a ready and willing public has ever presented itself. instead they continue to be pricks. please check the latest issue of SkinnyFest to see another demeaning photo of them.

second things second.

having slagged off various people in her guest blog for bloggers: real internet diaries and their spangly site, christine has tried to stop the boys publishing what she's given them. the sun have been sniffing around, so check their site in the next couple of days to see what (and who) it's all about.

zinged by visit scotland

The official edfringe website points to the launch of the Association of Independent Venue Producers (AIVP) - supposedly representing 20 "leading venues" who have chosen to speak with one voice to.. ask for more public money. Could this be the start of a more localised version of the Thundering Hooves funding boondoggle?

While it's awfully chummy that a group of venues have chosen to speak with "one voice," it might also be helpful to remember that there are over 230 other venues who aren't represented.

It is, of course, entirely in the imagination of festbitch that any glee can be detected in the edfringe website's account of the launch:

Particularly [the AIVP] were talking about getting government groups more involved, especially the City of Edinburgh, the Scottish Executive, the Scottish Arts Council and Visit Scotland. And so it was particularly disappointing that while invitations were extended to these groups, the only politician to turn up was Steve Cardownie from SNP.

Snubbed by Visit Scotland, eh? Ouch.

comedy chalk and investment package cheese

Can it be that IF.com are decidely disinterested in continuing their sponsorship of the "I Can't Believe It's Not Perrier" comedy awards, having stumbled into something of a branding disaster? festbitch is - as ever - quite suprised that there should turn out to be something less suited to comedy than pure sparkling non-alcoholic water.

Oh, and did you know the Eddies are an existing US prize for cinema, based in LA? Doesn't seem that certain folk at IF.com did..

oops.

Which fatty freesheet editor is leaving the country rather unceremoniously, having over-stayed his visa, after immigration officials caught up with him?

all controversy is good controversy

Knives out for Realism, as the arts editor of The Scotsman finds the play "a parade of sweary words and feeble jokes about masturbation and excrement." Apparently, the sheer volume of swearing (though the claim of a four-letter word every 10 seconds is tabloid exaggeration) is just "exhausting." Poor dear.

Of course, he's no wilting violet: "Don't get me wrong; I'm no prude, certainly. Last month, at a theatre show in Glasgow, I watched a man peeing into a sink then having sex in a bath. Whatever." Yeah, like whatever, Lyceum. *snap snap* You're, like, totally served.

Anyone who thinks it's unprofessional for an arts editor to pile on after a reviewer has already given an opinion clearly doesn't understand the egos of arts edito.. uh.. the spirit of the Fringe.

As already recorded, festbitch rather enjoyed Realism - not because the ticket was free and the seats were so comfy, but because it was funny. We recommend it: it contains a parade of swear words, masturbation and excrement.

pr for dummies

Top tip: if you're writing a performer's eye view of the festival for a local newspaper, try not to use it to bitch about the alleged incompetence of your production team as it may cause ill feeling. It may be breathtakingly honest, but it's also foolhardy.

Even better tip: if you're a member of said production team, don't turn up in the comments section of that same column arguing that a newspaper is not the appropriate place for such complaints unless - of course - you are totally invulnerable to irony.

Milking The (Other) Cow

festbitch returns from seeing the Kurt Weill double bill at the International Festival. festbitch isn't an opera buff, by any means, but he likes to indulge himself, every now and then, in ludicrously epic production budgets.

Opera has a bad rep, at least among the trendy theatre circles in which festbitch moves; The Lindbergh Flight / The Flight Over the Ocean and The Seven Deadly Sins seemed to go out of their way to offer up some pointers as to why this might be...

As far as festbitch is concerned, applause is something earned, not expected: if the lead insists on coming forward again and again for repeated curtain calls to the extent that the curtain operator thinks it must be over, then someone's milking it a bit. festbitch is sure that singing and moving at the same time must be really difficult, but expecting four solid minutes of applause for a forty-five minute opera is stretching it. Stop showing off.